I’ve often told people that singing and writing are two of the best things I can do for my mental health. More than an attempt to be some prolific artist, the arts are a cathartic expression of my deepest self.

And so here I write, not for you the reader, but for me. As a testament to the power of creativity.

Today I feel well. I am in touch with my strengths and weaknesses. I am asserting myself in ways that make me feel good about myself. I wanted to have forty days of sobriety and here I sit on day 39 happily celebrating the success to be.

I am making some money, through a part time job, as well as in musical performance and the sale of my visual art. That is a wonderful feeling. To be earning. As much as I try not to let finances dictate my sense of self-worth, there is a correlation. I wonder how Shakyamuni would speak to that.

I find myself in an interesting position regarding some of my creative projects. I currently play in a band, and help to run a show, both of which I lack excitement for. But for reasons I’ll leave out, I feel a need to remain involved in them. I struggle with those feelings. Is me wanting to leave a good enough reason to leave? Is the lack of excitement to be involved enough of a driver to remove myself? What about people that depend on me? What about deeper reasons for why I want to leave? Can I really trust that ‘a lack of excitement’ is enough of a reason to leave? I wonder if me being on the other side of this, choosing to have left either or, will be met with regret.

I write these things out to confront myself. I have said these things in my head but it is different when I can read it back.

Overall, I feel better about life than I have in recent weeks. I am excited to be learning about politics. I feel an enthusiasm and excitement in those areas. I am contemplating the areas I would redirect my energy to if I were to relinquish some of the commitments I’m engaged in now.

Today marks the end of a 12 week fitness challenge that I’ve been participating in. I have also been training with a kickbox champion for the last two weeks. I am quite possibly in the best shape of my life. I’ve also been regularly practicing the Wim Hof Method which is designed to strengthen the cardiovascular and immune system, as well as stress control, and overall physical performance.

These are certainly things that I am celebrating.

I’ve begun reading some new books, one’s that really excite me, and connecting with friends that I haven’t seen in a while due to the ongoing isolation. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I’m singing songs in the street. Life is so beautiful.

I also see the world burning, literally the hot, hot sun is burning my skin, but also there is political, economic, and social tension unlike any that I’ve ever experienced in my life. As much as I want to bury my head in the sand, I feel the cowardice that accompanies that. I wonder about what my role is.

I have often wondered about my role in this society, and now I wonder if the changes in society necessitate a change in my creative direction. Do I continue as I was? Or am I to change tracks?

I don’t really have an answer for this at the moment. So currently in my day to day. I am really just trying to get control of my own life. I’m trying to instill the routines and behaviours that make me into the person I want to be. Maybe that is selfish, maybe it’s necessary along the way to a greater position. Again, no answer. Just questions.

I know how I feel in my heart. I experience joy in private. I monitor my mind and it is kind to me. It is controlled today. I practice mindfulness, even as I navigate these questions.

I am reluctant to talk to people. I’d rather keep my thoughts inside. But that is not 100% true. There are people that I trust, and outside opinions that I value, and I go out of my way to collect information there. There are people that I love and support because I see their innate beauty and I want to celebrate that.

I have been granted an amazing opportunity to be a human being. This life has so much wonder for me. I understand that there is suffering. I have felt my own flavours of it. But I continue to celebrate when I can.

I want to honour the work that I’ve done to get where I am. I want to share that. But I need to be stable before I can do that. I feel a growing stability. I truly do feel very good these days.

I realize that life is up and down. These entries are proof of that. And so on days like these where I can listen to the waves without internal interruption, I do. And that is enough. It’s beautiful. It fills me with reverence for life. If I can do anything with my life I hope it is to spread that reverence. To encourage people, by example, to celebrate life. To share experiences which bring laughter and joy.