There is a radical selfishness that I feel. And while I am unsure about the morality of the disposition, it has served me well.

Consider this.

In my late teens I was faced with abandonment and a lack of purpose. I had very little motivation to participate in the world, to speak or be spoken to. I was self-diagnosed as anti-social and boring.

These positions intensified and led to a ‘rock bottom’. A place from which I felt I could go no lower. A place from which I could begin to build. At the same time as being the lowest of lows that I had ever known, it also provided the best foundation for my development.

Having very little outside of myself, at least believing that to be true, it allowed me to begin exploring my own value systems.

It was the perfect beginning for fierce independence. Coming from this loneliness I was able to define my meaning based on a radically personal perspective. I was not motivated by friendships or status any longer. I used this opportunity to seek a deeper meaning to life.

I remember how influential Aristotle’s ‘Nicomachean Ethics’ was on me. That was my first real encounter with my notion of virtue. And that alone gave me something to strive for.

In those moments, I came to a type of self-sufficiency that negated the evaluation of any other. It felt like an incredible reclamation, perhaps even the initial claim to my own power.

This movement gave me the ability to control my value. If I was to be judged or rated by any standard, it would be one that I could control. This study gave me something to strive for, and it was personal.

I found myself seeking less external validation, and developing my own internal morality.

This was a beginning to my selfishness. It resulted in less concern for the world, and more for my own self and well being.

I feel that this is still an important foundation for anyone wishing to achieve good, individually or communally.

From the ethics of Aristotle I moved into the virtues extolled by the Buddhists. Again I found an ethical code by which one, so goes the claim, could emerge from the suffering of the human condition into real liberation.

This claim, here outlining the Theravada Buddhist perspective, is again personal. It gives power to the individual to correct ones self.

What this meant, was even as the loner that I knew myself to be, I was capable of real meaning in my life. It gave me a standard which did not need to be validated by my peers.

For many years I pursued this solitary path. It was a beautiful celebration to realize that others also pursued this path. I found that we were united, even though our pursuits were individual. We all held the keys to our own success and they lay in our own determination.

As I studied and practiced more, I experience greater joys that are difficult to communicate. The idea that detachment from the world leads to greater fulfillment can be difficult to grasp, and it is often rejected.

In my personal experience, it allows for a contentment which transcends ego. The experience of life and reality is not bypassed, the world is not rejected, rather it is less coerced. It let’s things be as they are, without persuasion. It is a position of peace.

What I love most about this ideology, is the power lies within. It is not a system of blame, but one that accepts responsibility for one’s own behavior. In my experience, this is an empowering position.

As much chaos as the world can conjure, I find an inner knowing which often provides a beautiful haven. It is the safest of spaces for me to exist within, and it exists within myself.

As time went on, I have realized that there is a responsibility to bring these ideas forward, it is almost inevitable for the true practitioner because the ideas are most evident in the actions. The words may accompany, but by example, the students of the middle path taught by the Buddha shine with or without words.

It can seem odd, that renunciation leads to true freedom, especially in a culture of consumerism, but it provides a platform that no one can take from you.

Where I start to question the morality is here: having discovered this practice, and attained a level of self-satisfaction, does it become necessary to spread this to the world? Is the selfishness of experiencing an inner peace when the rest of the world suffers illusory? Can the peace, that I have at times felt, be real if the world suffers?

I mentioned that the early Buddhist teachings are known in the Theravada school while the later exist in the Mahayana.

The Mahayana discusses the role of the Bodhisattva – one who commits to continual reincarnation to this world until all the suffering is eased. It is such radical commitment to the whole, it is selfless.

Perhaps that is the natural progression. That one first finds their own peace, before they can extend that outwards. But upon finding one’s own, they will naturally want to share that with the world.

Some days, when I grow weary, I want nothing more than to crawl into my own space. My safe bubble – unseen and unheard. It allows me to recalibrate. To again find my center. To reconnect to my worth based on my own values.

I don’t think this selfishness is wrong.