I don’t know what it is. Or maybe I do and I’d just rather not admit it to myself.
I am experiencing a lot of self-sabotaging behaviours. I find myself destroying things I have built. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’s necessary. Not likely though.
I feel pathetic. But I am comfortable here. And I find myself doing things to strengthen that position to justify my misery. It is a sad place to be. It is embarrassing.
It’s like I don’t even want to be happy right now.
I’ve felt this way before. Maybe if I just remain quiet I will buy myself enough time to get out of this way of thinking without doing too much damage.
I’m not even really looking for a solution. It is wallowing in self-pity and it is gross. But it is acceptable at the moment and that means it lasts.
It’s hot today.
I watched a bunch of Netflix. I still did my meditations and exercises, but I still feel the growing resentment around the lack of an occupation. (so why don’t I just do something about it! Right?)
It seems that I don’t believe the things I’ve written. And I criticize myself enough to point all of the nonsense out.
Tonight is the FreeFlow Showcase. I will go, but I’m not keen on participating. I can leave my screen off.
I think my depression is amplified by my privilege which makes me sick to my metaphorical stomach. I want to crawl under a rock.
I think of the people in my life who wish me well and show so much on going support. They are lovely, but it is very difficult to receive and I wonder how long my resistance can be endured before I am abandoned.
Part of me fears that the abandonment which looms will result in deeper sadness, at least that way I wouldn’t be seen though. It is me not wanting to be seen.
Maybe there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe it is acceptable to not want to be seen. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me.
I find myself not showing up for some commitments, and I feel like that is to my detriment. But I really just don’t want to. At the same time I worry that not showing up will cause greater suffering. It is a sad cycle.
I close my eyes and there is some satisfaction. I am glad to be alive. But I feel contempt for the attitude I am holding. I acknowledge that it is unhealthy but I have very little desire to move away from it.
Longer periods of quiet.
There are things I can do to reel in my mind. But I am unwilling.
I’m gonna pause here and get myself a cold glass of milk.
The scariest thing is how I push away people who love me. That is truly self-sabotaging. And mean. But I find myself unwilling to engage. Desiring the destitute.
I’ve been so up and down lately. Very little stability, and that worries me.
Maybe this is okay. Maybe I just need to rest and my desire to hide from the world will help. I’m not sure. Hopefully the worry does not compound and force me to engage in events that I don’t want to. Continually draining me until I am a dry husk, unpleasantly people pleasing.
I spread my eyes wide open and it feels nice.
A solution would be lovely. A magic spell to right the wrongs and delete the despair. But it is not that easy.
More milk…that will help.
It’s not that bad. I just don’t understand what to do. And it renders me inactive.
Maybe I will shed some tears tonight. Unlikely though. I am detached from the misery in a strange way. I see it. I feel it. But I am apathetic to it. Like I don’t even care about it. I certainly lack compassion for myself.
Maybe I need some real nice good self-care. Maybe that is why I do not respond to others kindness, because I need to be kind to myself.
What does that look like?
I force a smile on my lips.
It actually feels nice.
The voice in my head wants to be unseen and unheard. It does not want your attention or your love. It wants to be left alone. And that feels selfish and I am afraid to ask for it because I might one day want love from others. And that makes me sad. That I’m not even able to ask for what I want because I’m afraid of what it will mean in the long run.
It appears that I lack trust. What if this desire to run away is the worst of the sabotage?
I am uncertain and I crawl into a ball. If I am lucky tears will come.