I’m not well today. My head is full of condemnation. I feel of low worth and am quite concerned about my future. Here I am, a 30 year old man and I have very little to ‘show’ for it. I look for employment and feel under qualified for everything. I read criticisms online that lead me to feel disgust for myself.

I suppose I can change. I can give everything I have away, or I can go back to school and receive another education. Or I can dive into something, desperately seeking a great idea.

I take a moment now to reflect on my better qualities. I can endure. I do not complain, much. I am intelligent and well spoken. I read and write well. I have an aptitude for music and the arts. I am calm and patient.

But what in the economic fuck does that get me?

I spent years diving into spiritual philosophy in order to bring some peace to myself. It came naturally. It was, and still is enjoyable. But what profession is that? Even a monastic life feels like running away.

But a firm believer, I have stayed the course.

 But today I question everything. I feel a debilitating sadness intensely magnified by the privilege that I’ve been born with.  Not seeking an excuse, but is it possible that the lack of the need to thrive has made me complacent?

The good thing is that from here I can go anywhere. I am not limited by my past, no matter how depressing it feels today. But in this day, I can choose to study, and learn, and contribute, and make my life worth something. And I wonder, what is a worthy cause?

I am drawn to care for the environment. Alternatively, I suppose I could work construction, or behind a bar.

More than that I am drawn to the life of a monastic, but I wonder if that is me being lazy. But if I truly believe the mastery of one’s mind and body is the key to a life well lived then perhaps that is the ultimate calling.

The desire to stray is strong. To disappear into the woods. To be forgotten by the world.

And I wonder if my decision to stay is my own choice. Am I here, remaining, to impress someone, or to prove something?

Regardless of how I feel I again remind myself that from here I can move in any way. And that brings some relief. But is it a blindness that believes I have achieved nothing in my 30 years? Is it detrimental to my well being to ignore who I am?

More than anything I am confused. I fail to understand where I fit in and how to contribute. Maybe I overthink it. Maybe a minimum wage job, and nights spent ‘doing my own thing’, is appropriate. Maybe I aspire for more than I am capable.

But what are your aspirations? I want to create freely. I want to bring relief. I want to be happy.

There is a sadness in me. And perhaps that is a driving force. I understand that downs lead to ups and so I am open to an upswing. I am open to a sense of purpose. I want to be of service, but I am having a hard time motivating myself to paint houses or cut lawns. But perhaps that is my laziness. Perhaps that, and positive interactions with people, is just as noble as any other profession. Perhaps the answer is more about human interactions than financial success.

Perhaps I am fearful of the difficult path that lies ahead and that is what paralyzes me.

A day of reckoning approaches. For all that you’ve done and failed to do. If I am overwhelmed by all that I have failed to do, it will be very difficult to move from that feeling.

I suppose the reflection is good. I started out weeks ago with these journals to help myself understand my vocation and I do not appear to be any closer. I don’t even know if I believe in my value as an artist. I feel under qualified and incompetent for most tasks ahead of me and that makes me want to hide.

Speaking honestly, it is not a fun place to be.

I suppose the reflection is good. I trust that it leads to something better.

I am willing to move from here, in ways desperate. This is not comfortable. This is not fun. This is not fulfilling.

I wish for some clarity about what to do with my time and my life.