We’ve all felt it, overwhelming negative emotion. I’ve felt anger and sadness recently – self pity. Sparked by events that I can’t control.

It is not attractive. It is one of the uglier parts of my psyche. The dude in my head that wants to be hurt, that wants to rage.

But I see him. And rather than rage incessantly, my better nature just kinda stares at him as he loses steam repeating the same self-deprecating thoughts.

This process, even though it highlights some of my short comings, also shows off a part of my maturity.

The part of me that would rather speak gently than scream violently.

It is not a denial of what I’m actually feeling. There is a recognition. But even with that anger, it is a calming. Knowing that the truth is being missed, and my over reaction is not really serving anyone.

So I calmly sit with myself.

There is a beauty I appreciate in those who can communicate softly. Even when the message is confrontational or challenging, delivering it in a way that is as friendly as possible leads to resolution, I do believe.

But it can’t be forced. It must be authentic. Sometimes all I can do is raise my voice in order to be heard. But when the natural reaction is to communicate softly, because I recognize that that will be best for all involved, I appreciate that.

I have modeled myself after the gentle. Gentle touch and gentle words. Contrary to what you may think, I believe it shows signs of great strength.

There is a lot in this world that we cannot control. But we can control our reactions to what befalls us.

We are all existing in this world and having very personal journeys. As beautiful as friendship, real friendship can be, we are inevitably forced to spend our lives with great amounts of solitude. Recognizing that we are all trying to figure our own lives out, it is easier to let go of  ‘how others treat us’.

I am getting better at recognizing that how another treats me is an extension of how they treat themselves. And that my harsh criticism of them is not really going to help anyone.

So I’m getting better at not taking things personally. By no means am I an expert in this. I get hurt. Especially by those I care about. They have the power to actually hurt us. We love each other, and therefor the perceived shortcomings are amplified. But there is a voice in my head that is reminding me that this is not really about me.

Rather than focus on the ‘mistake’ of another, why not focus on my reaction? Why would I want to live my life continually giving up my power and peace every time I felt saddened by the way another person treated me.

I also acknowledge my own tendency to want to be a victim.

Growing up there was a comfort I found in being picked on by the world. I used it as a justification for my misery. But that was a story. I am able to call bullshit on myself now. That being said, I still fall victim to it.

I want to hold forgiveness above all else. I want to pray for other, to pray for their peace and happiness rather than their condemnation. We have enough troubles as it is, I don’t want to compound them.

But I wonder if I just sweep my feelings under the rug, tell myself I am wrong and foolish, or if I speak my truth aloud, even if it is rooted in self-pity, is there any advantage to speaking that?

I don’t have an answer yet.

But I am trying it. Perhaps you’ll hear about the epic-ness of the fail in days to come.

The one thing that I am learning, is the ability to speak my troubles from a place of calm. I’m not trying to pick a fight. I don’t want to condemn any one. But I do want to express the things that I do and do not want in my life. And in expressing that, as I would value in someone else, I aim to do it gently.

There is a way to communicate difficult opinions gently. There are ways to communicate that facilitate the overcoming and unifying, and there are ways that lead to greater separation.

I value gentle speech. It helps to keep things calm, especially when they are hard conversations to have.

It’d be nice to speak to myself with the same gentle tone. We are all learning and growing. I want to support and nourish that, while also expressing the boundaries and limits that I want to establish for myself.