What a week it’s been. The turmoil, inner and outer. This pandemic, the riots amidst the brutality of the police. The distrust of the government. Indeed, quite the week.

I find myself again wondering about my purpose. Even going so far as to wonder if the idea of purpose is blatant narcissism. It’s quite a roller coaster of emotions. One day so high, the next so low.

I dream up extravagant plans, I let my ambition steer. And it is fun; it is a passionate, obsessive journey.

But in the past couple days, what I’ve felt moments of, I wouldn’t call it sadness, but perhaps closer to nihilism. But even in that, I feel some commitment to living my best life. I’m just not sure what that looks like. And if it should have any public motivation at all. Perhaps, this is a journey of a more personal self.

With all this, I remind myself of the simplest truth. The joy that is present in life.

I smile as I think of a friend, of a gentle breeze, of the completely impersonal reality that allows me to live and breathe.

The mission seems simple: express joy.

It does not need to be complicated. It does not need to be 50 000 words, or pitch perfect. It is a smile to a stranger. It is peace and an inner knowing that this human life is a precious gift.

And so I wonder if my challenge is misguided. But I quickly reconcile that as I recognize that the challenge is just to become more aware of my inner world.

I wonder if my expressions have catered too much to the optimists mindset. I wonder what my true nature, my real self yearns to express.

I open to the truth.

Arrgg, it’s all good but its not, you know? Things are complicated but through it all my heart is full. I return to love because I know it’s infinite power. I realize that my only task is to share that with the world. Condemn not. Try to understand. Hold space for the fucked up unfolding. But be still in yourself. Practice stillness. Practice silliness.

You are gifted. You can be a silent role model. Don’t look for recognition. Be, if only for you and god. Do not worry about your accomplishments. You know the quality of your heart and your love.

I see you wanting to run away. But stay. You say you want to serve. Show up, and don’t expect a fucking medal. Unrecognized bravery is still bravery. Sincerity above all.

And so I’m showing up.

Regarding this challenge, the 66 + the inner 40 I’ve now tacked on. I feel good. Motivated by it.

I feel my health, my body and mind thanking me. I am proud of my will. And that sounds weak, it has only just begun, but relative to the power that I possess in my realized state, it is weak. So don’t hate yourself. Do give yourself some credit. You have changed direction. You have begun to sprout. Water yourself. Give yourself sun. This is an important stage.

I glace at the word count. I suppose the irritable me wants to be out of here. But this promise to myself carries weight and so I write on. I’m not afraid of what will arise. I see truth as being good. So even though this feels ugly. It is a good ugly.

I call it ugly, and excuse me if you feel that is a derogatory term. I use the word ugly but what I mean is that this writing is not bright and shiny. It is not laced with loving affirmations. But at the core the message is simple. I need not worry about the balloons, or streamers, or fireworks. My job, at least today, is simple. Smile. Laugh. I fucking force myself to laugh as I type this.

Life is full of challenges. Find joy within them. Existence itself is a miracle depending on how you frame it.

And so I frame the beauty. Choose to see the gifts. Give thanks to god. For the sun, and the earth, and the moon.

Give thanks for friendship. Give thanks for the kindness that finds you in the world. Give thanks for hot coffee and a cool breeze.

I am blessed with health, and wealth, and love, and so much more.

I pray that all beings may feel this joy.

That people might for a second while they exist glimpse their origin. The forever fundamental.

I write here, and air my grievances. But I know that on the other side is a return to levity. I’d rather pour my grief on a page and burn it up in the light of god, that let it spill out into the world. People have enough problems as it is.

I pray that I can be a good listener. That I can shine light for people. I pray that I can be an example of forgiveness, kindness, and generosity.

My task is simple: prove to the world that love exists.