There is some voice inside telling me that this has to be meaningful. That as I draw near the end of this challenge it must be the most quintessential of wisdoms that I offer now – that I must present the distilled and leave you only with the best bits.
There also lives a rebel telling me that is not so. Telling me that I need only write and not worry about it’s perfection or relevance. That this must be for me and my commitment to honesty rather than pandering.
And so I sit here now in a way which is quite freeing. I’m not too concerned with offering paradigm shifting solutions to questions no one asked.
I’m just here – breathing, relishing the final moments of this challenge.
I have not looked forward to writing in a while, and that makes sense. I am glad that I continued to write though. There is a satisfaction that comes with finishing what you start that I get to celebrate now. For all the moments that were less than ideal, there is a pay off coming. And there were payouts along the way.
Writing brings clarity; it helps me understand myself better. It helps me remember the good times, it helps me process the bad times. I am a full supporter of the writing process and it’s benefits on mental health.
That said, I have been lacking enthusiasm for it. But yesterday I did find some excitement in another discipline.
I’ve known myself to create in phases and waves. These last two months have had me focus on writing. I’ve been playing some acoustic guitar lately too, but lots of writing.
Yesterday I found myself excitedly diving into music recording and video editing again. It is such a nice feeling when I am motivated to work and not forcing myself into it.
Today, as per the Tuesday routine, I was exercising with my friend Matt. Jeez, what a forcing that is. It is grueling, and exhausting. The only thing I look forward to there is getting it over. But still I do it. I do it because I believe it has positive effects that outweigh the negatives I experience while I’m doing it: the pain, the fatigue.
The writing has positives too. I wonder what my relationship to writing will be like three days from now, if there will be a freedom from necessity which encourages me to write more? Or if I put the notepad away for a while? Maybe I’ll get more into other types of creative writing?
Anyhow, something will be. And I’m good with that. I’m quite excited for the not forcing. For the freedom. For the lack of accountability and responsibility.
I am grateful for this challenge though. It has been insightful and rewarding in many ways.
I really wanted to compile a book, and explore my purpose/vocation. Through the writing, and the reading of other materials, I feel pretty affirmed in the artist’s path that I have chosen.
Maybe next up I can spend 66 days affirming why my art is necessary and what it is specifically meant to address this year. Something around the development of myself as an artist.
I’ve known that I’m an artist, but there is a difference between thinking and knowing and believing and living. There are so many tiny little steps along the way to living in my full power.
Maybe this writing has helped make steps into leaps. I’m sure there are many benefits to this process that I’m not even aware of at the moment.
I’m going to sleep soon. I was in a perfect little nap which could of easily fallen into a full blown 8 hours of cozy goodness, but I knew I had to get up and write this.
I feel like I’m saying less but taking longer to do it. And that is okay with me.
I pull back from the keyboard more frequently. Breathe a few times and dive back in. There is no pressing expression that need be spoken. Maybe the 50 000 words I’ve written contributes to that.
Maybe I know it’s a time for quiet and I’m easing into that as a new mode of being.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll write extensively about something brand new. That would be cool, or not, whatever. I think the main idea here is that it’s all good. That I’m just here showing up being honest and that is all that I really need to worry about.
‘Worry’ about. I’m not worried about not being honest. Perhaps I should have said, ‘that’s all I need to strive for’. Honesty.
Honestly. It’s been a welcome experience.
Thanks for coming along for the ride. Alone, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun.